Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Farrah Abraham Writes a Naughty Novel (But Also Says She's Writing a Christian Parenting Book...So Yeah)

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom fame has found yet another way to shock and horrify us.

This time, she'll be releasing a naughty romance book based on her favorite subject: herself. Actually, not just one book - a trilogy. Three books about how much Farrah Abraham loves herself and wants to talk about her sex tape, even though she claims it ruined her life.

The sales page provides the following about the book:
The journey...

Hot sex. A few thrills. A lot of tips and tricks. There has to be more to life than this, and I’m going to find it.

The woman...

I’m like every other person out there: I want to be loved and I want to be happy. But in the words of my best friend, I have to kiss a few frogs along the way. That’s okay, I know what I want and I’m not afraid to go after it, to hell with what other people think. My name is Fallon Opal, and I’m not who everyone thinks I am.

The star...

To the world I’m another starlet gone crazy: always traveling, clubbing non-stop, and juggling drug problems and alcohol issues. The truth couldn’t be further from that. I’m on a journey to find myself and I’m going to do it without shame—my way. Sometimes it feels like the world is against me but that won’t stop me from getting mine.
So, it's yet another "I'm Farrah and nobody understands me!" kind of venue. Sigh. We're kind of over this, aren't we?

Now that we have a brief synopsis of Farrah Abraham's sex book, called Celebrity Sex Tape - In the Making,  here's my interpretation of what's behind the digital pages. No, this isn't a clip of the book by any means, but it is an example of what I think is going to be stated in the Teen Mom star's venture into the world of romance writing.

Part One:

"My name's Fallon Opal," I said to the executives at exotic video conglomerate Velvet Entertainment. "We know," said the president of the company, "and we're so glad you're on board with the marketing of your porn video. It's going to be huge - Kim Kardashian huge." All I could think about was my boyfriend, Jimmy Deen, when I heard the word huge. Also, sausage, but that's another story. Anyway, back to business. "Well," I said, "it's not a porn. It's a legit sex tape. It got leaked."  The executive stifled a laugh. He clearly didn't believe me. It's fine though. I mean, I'm Fallon Opal - when I do a private sex tape, I do it big. A set, a porn star counterpart, multiple cameras - but it's just for me, I promise. It's not my fault it got leaked. But if it's out anyway, I might as well make some cash from it, right?

Part Two:

I took my daughter Seraphina to church today because I'm such a good mom. I'm really in tune with my Christian values. In fact, I'm writing a Christian parenting book to prove it. Now listen, before you judge me by my sex tape and the writing of my religious parenting publication, everybody has sex. It's totally fine for us to be in tune with our bodies - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Besides, I can use the proceeds from my book to help out my church. Maybe, anyway. Or I could pay for Seraphina's nannies because she needs them as I travel around the world graciously meeting my fans. And taking care of Seraphina is the Christian thing to do because she's my daughter and she needs me. Oh, it looks like I've got to smile big today - it looks like parishioners are noticing me and want my autograph. The public wants what it wants, and they want me, Fallon Opal!

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