You know how you can't look away when you see a car accident on the side of the road? Toddlers and Tiaras is like that, only it has badly spelled names as well.
This week we saw mom Tina and daughter Mia. Tina is raising Mia to be 'totally 80's.' It's actually cute, although a cone bra outfit (think Madonna) on a two year old is completely inappropriate.
Tina and Mia are from Jersey, so the Toddlers and Tiaras crew cleverly caught a glimpse of them at the Jersey shore. Mom's quote to Mia was, "What's the Situation, Snooki?" Much like dressing your two year old in a cone bra, you should not be encouraging your daughter to be like Snooki.
Jersey mom Tina dressed up Mia in her cone boob Madonna outfit for the pageant, and Ava's dad David (to be discussed later in the post) looked so disapproving. At some point, one of the producers must have asked him his thoughts on dressing kids up like Madonna, because he made a bit statement about how he disapproved. Meanwhile, he dressed up his daughter like Lady Gaga which is only mildly more appropriate.
We also saw mom Lorena and daughter Aishlynn. Yes, Aishlynn. The worst part is that it's pronouned Aish-leen. Like ice, but with a 'sh' sound. Aside from that, Lynn does not spell Leen. Not to sound awful here, but mom Lorena had Aishlynn at 18, so maybe her baby naming skills weren't fully developed.
Aishlynn needed a boost during the pageant, so mom gave her Pixy Stix. In my opinion, it made her rush through her routine like a sugared up maniac, but mom was happy, and that's what counts.
Thankfully, despite her bad name, Aishlynn's costume was way more age appropriate than Mia's Madonna or Ava's Lady Gaga.
The best part of the episode was seeing Ava again. You remember Ava? With the super feminine dad? Well, David is back with Ava, and while I don't care much whether I see Ava or not, I love seeing David as a pageant dad.
On this episode, David addressed the issue that people are calling him gay (without actually saying it) on pageant message boards. He said that people were making fun of his 'high pitched voice' and accent. He also said people were being mean and making fun of people for being fat and other things are completely irrelevant at pageants. I think the goal of this episode was to bring David in a little from the outwardly over-the-top episode of the previous Toddlers and Tiaras season - this season highlighted less of his enthusiasm and pointed out his desire to save money. However, the statement about saving money by saying something like, "If I can't have that Louis Vuitton bag, I can't have that Louis Vuitton bag!" didn't help.
David insisted that Ava needed to win this pageant because she's about to age out of her age group - and honestly, I'd be more concerned if it didn't mean she'd soon be turning four. Believe it or not, David, Ava still has a lot of life to live!
In any case, dad David did not disappoint! He danced like a maniac to encourage Ava onstage and it was great to watch. Unfortunately, Ava won second runner up and David was devastated. He was also devastated that she didn't get best dressed, and since he makes her dresses, he thinks they deserve to win.
My favorite part of each Toddlers and Tiaras episode is watching for bad names, and this episode sure delivered. It brought us all of my (least) favorites in one name: gratuitous letters and an apostrophe. The name? Zye'Quirria. Yeah, it's real.
I find that I'm a bit underwhelmed by Toddlers and Tiaras these days. I was so excited for the season premiere, but the show failed to deliver.
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