Friday, September 3, 2010

The Daily Fark (Fashion Snark)

You know the expression "Always dress your best?" Take it and throw it out the window.

That wasn't what you were expecting, was it? I didn't think so. However, it's the truth. First of all, if you always dressed your best, you would never be dressed your best, because there would be no such thing as your best or worst outfits. Second, you don't have to always dress your best. There are days when you stay inside all day and watch television. On those days, it is your right to look messy! You've got no one to impress. It's practically your obligation to get in touch with your grungy, pajama loving side.

So, that being said, the new fashion phrase to follow is:

Don't wear anything in public that you wouldn't want your evil ex to see you wearing.

Why is this phrase better? It doesn't lock you into wearing your Louboutin heels to Dollar Tree on a 100 degree day. However, it does prevent you from throwing your hair into a messy ponytail and going to Target in the sweatpants you wore for high school gym. If you feel good enough to say hello to your evil ex and flash a killer smile to show how great you're doing, you're in good fashion shape.

Now, on to some lessons.

We are not all shaped the same way. Just because you love flowy floral tops, flat sandals with flowers that sort of match the scary shirts and loose khaki skirts does not mean you can wear them all together.

If you're one of the lucky ones with a perfect hourglass figure, and calories bounce off of you as you eat them, you can pull of a flowy top with a fitted skirt. That being said, if you're shaped like a box, it's not going to work. Work with your shape. Curvy on top? Wear a shirt that accentuates your "assets" and masks your waist. Pair it with full length, flared pants to create a balanced look. If you can, wear some wedges or heels to give your body more of a figure.

Avoid loud, matchy colors on the top and bottom of your outfit. When you wear a hot pink shirt and sandals with matching hot pink flowers, people won't know where to look - and when they do look, they won't like what they see. Stick with one statement piece! Don't try to fit several statements into one outfit, or you'll end up looking like a piece of trashed out art or something.

Do not fear casual clothing.

There is nothing wrong with wearing a coordinated tracksuit. Some fashion lovers may disagree, but I think a classy, well fitting tracksuit can do wonders as weekend wear. Here are the keys to making tracksuits work for you:

* Avoid logos and designs. A simple, basic, one-colored, matching tracksuit in a modern cut and style looks best. Avoid flashy brand names on your tracksuits. A real Juicy Couture fan knows a Juicy tracksuit when she sees one, even without a blingy logo.

* Add a pop of color. Wearing a black tracksuit? Add a solid-colored tank top in a contrasting color underneath to add some depth to the outfit. Wearing a black tracksuit? Add a purple tank top to give the outfit a pop of color and style.

* Wear shoes that work with your tracksuit. While it may be tempting to put on your cross trainers, they are not appropriate shoes when you're wearing a tracksuit. Put on fashion sneakers or ballerina flats to give your tracksuit a more complete, high-class look. Casual doesn't have to be trashy, as long as you do it right.

If you think it's ugly, it probably is.

Just because Jimmy Choo or Emilio Pucci introduced a new shoe, you don't have to love it. Designers are edgy, and sometimes edgy fashion topples over the edge. Just because something is expensive doesn't make it nice. Ignore the price tag or brand name if you find something that's just plain ugly. You don't need it.

If it doesn't fit, don't wear it.

Here's where the real snark comes in. If I can clearly see a cameltoe in your pants, they don't fit. I don't care if they cost $500 at Bloomingdales. Even the nicest pants look bad if I can see sweat lines in your butt crack.

The same theory goes for shirts. You may love the cut and style, but if your stomach is popping out of the bottom of your shirt, you shouldn't be wearing it. This is twice as important if your pants are too tight as well, and I can see your fat spilling over like a fat fountain.

Now look, I understand if you're having a fat day and your pants feel a little snug. That's fine! Simply pair them with a loose, long top to cover up your problem areas. No one has to know that your jeans feel a bit snug, as long as you cover up the parts that no one needs to see.

Splurge once in a while, if you can afford it.

While we're all clearly not rolling around in cash, it's worth investing in a few key pieces of your wardrobe. Buy a basic top for work or events, as well as a well fitting pair of jeans and black pants. Since you'll wear these again and again, you need to make sure these pieces are of good quality. Let me tell you, the cheap black pants might look awesome in the store, but when they split down the back when you sit for that big meeting, they look a lot less cute. For your key pieces, buy good quality.

Be a brand snob, if you want to, but also allow yourself to wear the cheap stuff. Believe it or not, the Miley Cyrus for Max Azria fashion line at Walmart has some fantastic pieces of clothing. The basic tank tops cost $6 and come in great colors. Don't get me wrong - I'm not so inspired by them that I'm going to buy the Hannah Montana soundtrack or anything - but there's no shame in indulging in some slightly embarrassing, inexpensive retail therapy.

You can be a brand snob when it comes to amazing pieces of clothing. There's no shame in being able to say "Thanks. They're Jimmy Choo." when someone compliments your shoes. It feels good! It gives you a moment of elitism that allows you to glow for a while, until someone does something that brings you right back down. (Ouch.) In any case, buy that jacket from Bird By Juicy Couture if it makes you feel good. Fashion is all about attitude, and if you paid a ridiculous amount of money for your wardrobe, you deserve all the attitude you can muster. (You also deserve the attitude if you snagged those Jimmy Choo shoes for a quarter of the price on eBay. No one has to know.)

Here's a fashion don't.

Looking for a prime example of a fashion don't? Check out Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi in this one-piece bathing suit. It's a nice suit, and she's certainly not a big girl, but this suit just isn't made for her body.

Looking for some more info?

Looking for more fashion info? Check out my favorite fashion bloggers, Gina and Cinderella, for some fashion tips and more daily fark (fashion snark).

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